Having lived nowhere else but the small town of Milaca, Mn I have fallen into the rut
of expectations. I know what to expect at the store, at church, at school. However, in as little as the first week of my senior year I was thrown off quite a bit. In a small town school students don’t get away with breaking unspoken social rules without the entire student body hearing about it by lunch period, and if they do bravely wander into uncharted territory those bold choices come with an extreme amount of teasing. To my surprise this year I saw not one, but two girls wearing bushy fox tails to class. My peers wore those unruly tails to school even though they knew they would be teased. They made one very large fashion statement, and they made it holding their head high. That is what I want.
No, I don’t want to wear a tail; the fluffy extremities are far from my idea of taste, and I have confidence in my personal style. I just want to make a statement in the way I live. I consider myself a fairly well rounded person, but I don’t have my thing. My tail if you will. I’m not a ridiculously talented singer, and I’m not beauty pageant beautiful. I’m smart, but I’m not ingenious, and I’m athletic, but I’m not Olympic worthy. It’s not that I don’t give 100% every time I jump into the pool, step onto the field, or begin a test, it’s just that I haven’t found my niche. I haven’t found a place that I am clearly meant to be.
Every day I see people with confidence in their futures that I envy, and spending the next ten years of my life bewildered by where exactly I fit is an extremely terrifying idea to me. Impacting the outcome of students lives. Students that will go on to do great things that could change the world is what I dream of. I want to be an exceptional teacher, coach leader, and mentor, but achieving that goal is far from near. Years of hard-work, dedication, and even some ambivalence will lead me to the unshakeable confidence in my field that I so badly yearn for right now. I am looking for a certain answer in an unpredictable future.
I don’t want to be a nonconformist. I don’t dream of becoming the class valedictorian. I don’t want to think about what I want to do, or who I want to be. I want to know. I want to feel it with every muscle in my body, and every neuron in my brain. I want to wake in the mornings, get dressed and put on my tail. I imagine myself walking across a campus and making a statement. Walking back into a school as a teacher, and know that I will own my job. I want people to look at me and believe that I am one of those people who knows what they are destined for. One day I will stand tall on my pedestal.
I wrote this at the begging of my senior year of high school (and edited it now). That was almost three years ago. At the time I thought I was going to be a lawyer. I have now been through almost two years of college at two different universities, changed my major, and become more and more confident that I am walking towards my destiny every day.
Sure, there have been days when I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. There are days when I hate my classes, and my current job working at an elementary school. But the moment that a light goes off in a kids eyes makes it all worth it, and more. The moment when I know I am making a difference in someones life, and lighting a spark of interest in in school for a teenager, that makes it worth every hard test, every late night studying, every assignment.