7 hilarious ways to thwart off your relatives when you’re single as f*** for the Holidays.

So, it’s that time of year again.

Holiday get togethers.

Of course I’m SUPER DUPER excited to see all my relatives & explain how single I am. So while I sit here with a tub of ice cream (kidding), I resorted to a little holiday humor, & I thought I’d share my mischief with you all.

Here are some tips & tricks to getting through the Holidays with your relatives, whether you are notoriously single, recently heart broken, or just looking for some laughs.

  1. Pet Lover???
    Are you an obsessive dog mom? This trick works best with relatives who don’t know your pets name, & it goes like this:
    Relative: “So, anyone special in your life?”
    You: “Actually, yes! I was going to bring Jack* because I wanted everyone to meet him. He’s usually so obedient, but I got worried that he’d get too overwhelmed with all the people & food here. I really didn’t want him to have an accident, or jump up on the counters & eat all the horderves. Besides, his farts smell really bad when he’s nervous. 
    * Insert your pets name here.
    – DO NOT ACTUALLY MENTION THAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT AN ANIMAL.
    – Continue to rant on & on about all characteristics of your dog, as if you were talking about your significant other that you are infatuated with.
    – The goal here is to have one conversation that means something completely different to the two people conversing. You clearly know you’re talking about your pet, but your relative is left dazed & confused about what kind of weird kinky relationship you’re involved in.
    – If they seem concerned about what you’re saying, quickly respond with, “Oh, you weren’t asking about my dog?”, & walk away.images-1.jpeg
  2. World Traveler?
    Did you recently return from an amazing trip abroad? When family members ask if you’re seeing someone new, excitedly tell them all about your new romance from your recent trip to *Spain.
    Don’t forget to include all the details about how it was love at first sight when you caught him pick-pocketing another tourist, & how you couldn’t get enough of his beautiful voice as he said, “¿Te casarás conmigo para que pueda convertirme en un estadounidense?”* over & over again.
    Admit that the relationship has been pretty rocky since you don’t speak the same language, but you’re working on it because you can’t get enough of each other.
    – *Insert the country you visited here.
    – If you google translate the Spanish phrase I used, it actually means, “Will you marry me so I can become an American?” (You can use this phrase in any language to match the country you traveled to.) BONUS POINTS if: A.) one of your relatives is fluent in this language, or B.) if they ask what the phrase means: admit that you don’t actually know, & google translate it with them. Casually mention that it totally explains why he proposed to you so quickly, & act like it’s no big deal.images-2.jpeg
  3. Recent Breakup?
    Are you concerned about your relatives asking why you & your significant other recently broke up? Let’s be honest, no one actually wants to discuss the details of their latest heartbreak with their family over the holidays, so here’s a quick fix. If anyone asks why you broke up respond with a ridiculous reason, & act as if it was as absolute deal breaker. Feel free to make up your own, but here are some ideas: Insert your Ex’s name/pronoun where it fits.
    – Jack likes pineapple on his pizza, & I just can not stand those type of people.
    – Jessie brushes her teeth in the shower, & she won’t listen when I tell her how disgusting that is.
    – Justin didn’t water my plants while I was away for the weekend, & obviously if he can’t water plants how could I ever rely on him to take care of our future children.
    – He didn’t call me back after I told him I loved him on the first date.
    – Lucas posted an ugly picture of me on Instagram on our anniversary. So inconsiderate.
    – He kept doing too many nice things for me, so I was suspicious he was cheating.
    – *** If you want to be extra risqué and really throw your relatives off: Use this one. He refused to do it *insert sex position* & that is just a deal breaker for me.
  4. Oh I’m just playing the field. *Use with caution.When a relative asks if you’re seeing anyone, go into a huge rant about your nonexistent dating life, Sex & the City style. Don’t forget to mention these crucial things to make the conversation really awkward & ensure your relatives never ask about your love life again.
    – Well I’ve been going on a lot of dates lately, & it turns out that the great guys never want to spend the night on the first date, & the ones that do, are either married or have an STD.
    – Tinder is a total bust, it’s mostly horny college kids & single baby daddies.
    – I tried dating a girl once, but I realized right away that I’m definitely straight.
    – Apparently guys are scared off when you tell them you want to have their babies right after you meet. Who knew?
    – & to be honest, I’m actually seeing two different guys right now, but I couldn’t decide which one to bring, so I told them both I was going to Alaska for the holidays to visit my family. That they wouldn’t come with.
    Side affects include, but are not limited to: Your family thinking you’re a slut, family interventions, your family thinking you’re boy crazy, your family thinking your unstable, or even worse, a family member asking for dating advice!
  5. Oh, didn’t you meet my new boyfriend? He’s around here somewhere.
    *This trick only works if you are at a very large gathering!
    If a family member asks if you’re seeing anyone new, act surprised & say, “Oh, you didn’t get a chance to meet my new boyfriend? He’s around here somewhere!” 
    Come up with different places he’s disappeared to as you see fit.
    – In the restroom.
    – Helping with dishes
    – Ran to the liquor store
    – Ran to the grocery store for any odd item.
    – Downstairs playing with the kiddos.
    When people start to catch on, leave the family get together. Run.
    BONUS POINTS: If people catch on too quickly, act like you can’t find your imaginary boyfriend & get your entire family to start looking for your boyfriend who doesn’t exist, & sneak away while you have the chance. I mean it, GET OUT.images-3.jpeg
  6. Star Crossed Lovers
    This one works for just about anyone. Explain to your family that you couldn’t bring your boyfriend home for the holidays because no one can actually know you’re dating, or you’re in love, but you can’t actually be together for various reasons. Here are some ideas:
    – You’re dating your boss
    – You’re dating your professor
    – You’re boyfriend is on house arrest
    – You’re boyfriend is in jail
    – You’re boyfriend is your sibling’s Ex
    – You’re in love with someone who doesn’t know you exist.Act as if  this is a totally reasonable excuse, and your relationship is totally normal & healthy. Watch as your family members begin to believe you are insane, but hey that’s better than being single right?!Unknown.png
  7. Holiday in Handcuffs
    If you’re still really worried about being single, you can always pull a full fledged Trudie from Holiday in Handcuffs, & kidnap someone to pretend to be your significant other. But watch out, you just might actually fall in love, & your life may turn into a RomCom.holiday-in-handcuffs-poster.jpgOn second thought, the odds are pretty good & this definitely seems like the best option!In all reality here’s to everyone out there that goes through the Holidays single (whether you’re ready to mingle or not). Curl up by the fire, & enjoy your hot chocolate alone, with no one to annoy you, interrupt your favorite Christmas song that’s been on repeat since Dec 1st, or judge you for watching ABC’s 25 days of Christmas Movies, 24/7.

    rehost-2016-9-13-b34ff4a4-d9ae-4ff9-bc0c-f32f291f98ff.jpg

    Walk into your family get together with confidence, & brag about how freaking amazing you are. Don’t forget to talk all about your awesome new job, wonderful grades, the amazing solo traveling experience you just had, & especially how much you don’t need a significant other to be happy during the Holidays! 

    I hope you all found this as funny as I did, & remember, these tips work just as well, if not better for high school reunions. (:

Advertisements

The worst first date idea in the history of first date ideas.

Let me first start by saying that I am greatfully fearful of interactions with boys. I spent the last year and a half of high school with the same boyfriend, and yes. I grew comfortable.

*Flirting: If you don’t practice this on a regular basis, you’ll forget how to do it. And the only thing worse than not flirting with anyone, is attempting to flirt, and failing miserably. On a side note, if you’re in a relationship, never stop flirting with your significant other. That is a devastating costly mistake that so many make. *insert sad face here*

Now, I’m not the type of girl that is never single, and when I am single I’m not sleeping around with whatever boy happened to check me out at the party I was at last Saturday. However, there does come a time when being single just gets boring. When all your friends are going out on date night with their boyfriends, and you simply don’t want to sit inside and watch the 176th episode of Greys Anatomy by yourself (thank you Netflix). I have reached this point.

So about a month ago I decided to change out of my metaphorical pajamas, and slap some mud on my face (makeup). Why not talk to the boy living down the hall, why not chat up the cute upperclassmen from Exposition? Here’s why. I AM AWKWARD.

I’m not really shy or reserved, and by no means do I have a wall built up. I just don’t behold that unwavering rhythm that some girls have. I always imagine these girls as the short, skinny, blondies, that generally have a flock of boys following them. In reality lots of girls have this trait. I just happen to be a 5’6″ phony redhead with curves, and I lack the ease that others have when they meet new people. Don’t get me wrong, I have this type of chemistry with lots of people. Those people just happen to be acquaintances I went to high school with and I have known them since I was a tyke in kindergarten. College is different, a whole new playing field if you will.

So here I am stumbling about, attempting to contain my awkwardness, and figure out what makes this guy tick while simultaneously trying to decide if I’m actually interested in him or not, when he texts me and asks if I want to “watch a movie” when he’s done with work? Dear lord. First let me tell you how much I hate texting. I’m 19 and I will be the first one to admit that texting and social media have ruined the love lives of billions of my generation. Second, watch a movie? Why the actual fuck does this have to be a young mans #1 go to when they want to hang out?

So many things can go wonderfully in your favor when you watch a movie with someone you’re interested in, but here’s why its a BAD idea for a first date: #1 Let’s say that it’s very clear that there’s little to no chemistry cooking, and there is clearly awkward tension in the air. Neither of you really wants to continue sitting in the dark watching a movie that, let’s be honest, you’re not actually that interested in. Where is your escape? Interactive date ideas offer you a way to ignore the awkwardness even when the date is clearly steering in the direction of a cliff. Movies don’t come with an emergency exit button.

#2 Let’s say the movie is going great. Here comes THE move. You know it’s coming, but when? Forget about remembering what the movie was even about because chances are you will be more worried about when this guy is going to hold your hand or put his arm around you. Have you ever tried to subtly scoot closer to someone without being obvious or coming across as too forward? It’s actually quite near impossible, but have fun trying.

I don’t even want to talk about what happens if no one makes a move, because I’m not sure what’s more disappointing.

And then there is the quite realistic chance that tonight I will watch a movie with this guy, who I might possibly be into. He’ll hold my hand, and I’ll be completely content with it. I’ll leave his room, go to sleep in my own bed, and think back to why the hell I was so nervous in the first place.

But the point is, all of this could have been avoided if he wouldn’t have asked me to watch a movie. Save the movies for date 2 or 3 for goodness sake, and in the meantime save your girl a heart attack or two.

2015/01/img_1626.jpg