My brain isn’t made of rotten tomatoes, so why should I care about yours?

I HATE MOVIE CRITICS.

This was an out of the ordinary thought for me to have on my extremely ordinary and not in the least bit special or unique day that I had. I spent almost my entire day at work (the local DQ). I was bored and trying to find something, anything, to stimulate my mind.

My mind was wondering, and eventually landed on the latest rage among my group of 17-25 year old friends. AKA people that make up my twitter feed. American Sniper.

I can appreciate a heart-wrenching movie about war and brotherhood, and by all means I can appreciate a man in uniform. I have yet to hear a bad thing about this movie, and I am definitely up for going (should someone ask me). This is when my mother (of all people) popped into my head.

Flipping to the other side of this story. I haven’t lived with my mom for the past 5 months, since I started the roller coaster people tend to call college.. First you have to understand that I love my mom. In recent years she has become one of my best friends, and I really do value her opinions. I’ve always been independent, but it’s been different for me since she doesn’t know what I do day to day, or for instance what movie I decided to go to last Friday.

We talk about a vast majority of things, and I listen to ALMOST all of the advice she offers, but NEVER DO I EVER ASK HER ABOUT MOVIES. So, why in gods name did my moms opinion pop into my head when I thought about seeing American Sniper?

My mom, bless her heart, went through a phase where she was obsessed with reading reviews of movies online. I’m not really sure what spiked the interest in the critics who’s opinions she lived by, and I’m not really sure what caused her to stop reading them, or if she still does. I stopped asking a while ago, and here’s why:

My mom would tell me she was interested in going to the theater to see a recently released film, and then she would skirt off to check the showing times. Our family is known for being indecisive, and I’ve learned not to take any tentative agendas too seriously, because we rarely ended up following through with our original plans. Sure enough, moments later she would emerge from the room that our computer is in and tell me she wasn’t going to go to the movie anymore.

However, this seemed odd. It wasn’t so much the hectic plans that changed my moms mind as usual, it was the idea of the movie that she almost instantly lost interest in, so I asked her why. All she said was, “it got bad reviews.” Even if her closest friends and colleagues were raving about a movie, she would read the critics opinions, and almost religiously follow what they said.

I’m an opinionated young lady, and this irritated the bageezus out of me. I mean come on, my mom doesn’t even know these people and she was blindly allowing them to dictate what movies she did or didn’t see! It drove me crazy. She even started looking up the reviews for the movies I was going to with my friends, and offered her “insight” usually without me asking for it. So eventually I told her to stop.

I didn’t like the way critics were labeling a movie as good or bad. Black and white. Yes or no. They never say, “a teenage girl would enjoy this”, or “this movie would suit someone who likes corny comedy”. The reviews aren’t just realistic. One person’s opinion simply can not speak for millions of different people who watch movies every day.

So for god’s sake if you are one of these people who will not even consider going to a movie that got bad reviews, stop. Stop now. Next time you see a preview and you find yourself making plans to go to it, JUST DO IT. Don’t look up the reviews, don’t ask other people what they thought. Just take your impulse and run with it. You might like it, you might not, but who cares. Take a chance, and think for yourself. Use that brain that isn’t made of rotten tomatoes, and create your own opinions. You might even be surprised to find that your favorite movie is one recieving more down votes than approving ratings.

Not everyone will agree on which movies are worth taking the time to watch, and which movies will only lead to two hours of disappointment, but that’s why ratings suck so much. They aren’t tailored to you. So if you are one of those people out there religiously reading which movies got how many Rotten Tomatoes, try stoping. If you can’t, keep it to yourself so the rest of us can enjoy a life without brainwash where we can all enjoy our own ability to create opinions, and enjoy our own interests however popular or unpopular they are.

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The worst first date idea in the history of first date ideas.

Let me first start by saying that I am greatfully fearful of interactions with boys. I spent the last year and a half of high school with the same boyfriend, and yes. I grew comfortable.

*Flirting: If you don’t practice this on a regular basis, you’ll forget how to do it. And the only thing worse than not flirting with anyone, is attempting to flirt, and failing miserably. On a side note, if you’re in a relationship, never stop flirting with your significant other. That is a devastating costly mistake that so many make. *insert sad face here*

Now, I’m not the type of girl that is never single, and when I am single I’m not sleeping around with whatever boy happened to check me out at the party I was at last Saturday. However, there does come a time when being single just gets boring. When all your friends are going out on date night with their boyfriends, and you simply don’t want to sit inside and watch the 176th episode of Greys Anatomy by yourself (thank you Netflix). I have reached this point.

So about a month ago I decided to change out of my metaphorical pajamas, and slap some mud on my face (makeup). Why not talk to the boy living down the hall, why not chat up the cute upperclassmen from Exposition? Here’s why. I AM AWKWARD.

I’m not really shy or reserved, and by no means do I have a wall built up. I just don’t behold that unwavering rhythm that some girls have. I always imagine these girls as the short, skinny, blondies, that generally have a flock of boys following them. In reality lots of girls have this trait. I just happen to be a 5’6″ phony redhead with curves, and I lack the ease that others have when they meet new people. Don’t get me wrong, I have this type of chemistry with lots of people. Those people just happen to be acquaintances I went to high school with and I have known them since I was a tyke in kindergarten. College is different, a whole new playing field if you will.

So here I am stumbling about, attempting to contain my awkwardness, and figure out what makes this guy tick while simultaneously trying to decide if I’m actually interested in him or not, when he texts me and asks if I want to “watch a movie” when he’s done with work? Dear lord. First let me tell you how much I hate texting. I’m 19 and I will be the first one to admit that texting and social media have ruined the love lives of billions of my generation. Second, watch a movie? Why the actual fuck does this have to be a young mans #1 go to when they want to hang out?

So many things can go wonderfully in your favor when you watch a movie with someone you’re interested in, but here’s why its a BAD idea for a first date: #1 Let’s say that it’s very clear that there’s little to no chemistry cooking, and there is clearly awkward tension in the air. Neither of you really wants to continue sitting in the dark watching a movie that, let’s be honest, you’re not actually that interested in. Where is your escape? Interactive date ideas offer you a way to ignore the awkwardness even when the date is clearly steering in the direction of a cliff. Movies don’t come with an emergency exit button.

#2 Let’s say the movie is going great. Here comes THE move. You know it’s coming, but when? Forget about remembering what the movie was even about because chances are you will be more worried about when this guy is going to hold your hand or put his arm around you. Have you ever tried to subtly scoot closer to someone without being obvious or coming across as too forward? It’s actually quite near impossible, but have fun trying.

I don’t even want to talk about what happens if no one makes a move, because I’m not sure what’s more disappointing.

And then there is the quite realistic chance that tonight I will watch a movie with this guy, who I might possibly be into. He’ll hold my hand, and I’ll be completely content with it. I’ll leave his room, go to sleep in my own bed, and think back to why the hell I was so nervous in the first place.

But the point is, all of this could have been avoided if he wouldn’t have asked me to watch a movie. Save the movies for date 2 or 3 for goodness sake, and in the meantime save your girl a heart attack or two.

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